It started like a regular day.

Rushing to work hungover with little to no sleep.

After I'd spent the previous day with my family - eating good food, drinking nice beer and watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show, it was clear that I had myself a great time and that I had over-indulged.

Despite this indulgence and lack of health prioritisation, my 7.30am start time was calling me.

Upon rising from my bed at 7.05am I quickly showered, slapped some work attire on and power-walked to work.

I made it to the cafe and clocked in on time (just).

Things started smoothly, a few orders here and there, a steady pace for a cruisy winter's morning in one of Melbourne's darling inner-east suburbs.

The pace remained steady and I although I felt slightly hungover (pretty standard for Sunday morning) and lacking some sleep, I was managing fine.

I went on my break around 12.30pm and returned around 1pm.

Shortly after that time I was speaking to a couple of lovely older gentlemen. It was one of their birthday's, he was 67 on this day and I went out of my way to make him feel special.

The conversation began to drag on a little, when I felt it rising up inside me.

A feeling of dread started spreading through my limbs.

At first I shrugged it off but then it came back with vengeance.

Like a parasite was invading my body - it overwhelmed me as I felt my body shutting down.

I stumbled away from the gentlemen without warning and placed the plates that were in my hand onto a table.

I was dazed and felt my limbs going numb.

Stumbling to the front of the cafe I looked to my Chilean co-worker and told her to call the ambulance.

Understandably she looked at me and smiled.

You see in the workplace I keep it light and like everyone to have fun, a sharp turn to intense seriousness was not immediately seen as something to be concerned about.

I dropped to one knee as the feeling got stronger and then repeated "call the ambulance".

I saw her face turn to a look of concern but I didn't have time to wait.

Dragging myself outside and onto one of the benches at the front of the cafe I managed to get out my phone and dial 000, but somehow I had reached the police line and trying to explain my situation was proving too difficult so I hung up.

By this time I had slumped onto the cold wet concrete footpath as the feeling of dread completely took over.

It wasn't pain I was feeling, this was a sensation that alerted me that something was the fuck wrong.

It swarmed me as everything felt dark and numb and cold, my body was slowing down and I was scared - real scared!

By now the chef and my co-worker were outside, talking to the ambulance and communicating with me. We gave them the details of my condition and they assured us that someone was on their way.

As I sat on my knees I looked into the darkness behind my eyes, I knew my fate was sealed, this was it for me.

I was going to die on this footpath and not a goddam thing was gonna change it.

No shoulda, woulda, coulda.

No feeling of regret or missed opportunity.

No 'what ifs' or 'I wonder ifs'.

I was scared of course, I want to be alive, but the certainty of it all gave me a calmness.

Through my work in stoicism I had somewhat been preparing for this moment.

I pleaded to my co-worker for the ambulance to arrive quickly as I slumped onto my side.

By now I felt like I was slipping deeper into the nothingness that awaits us all.

I heard the sirens off in the background.

You see whenever I hear sirens in my day to day I say to myself "someone's life just changed".

To me it is acknowledgement of the seriousness of those sirens and also to accept that things can always change for any of us at any time.

On this occasion, those sirens signified my life changing and I was bloody glad to hear them.

A paramedic approached and stood over me.

He started to ask questions.

He helped me to a sitting position and began running tests... all the usual suspects.

After 20 minutes of assessment and questioning my condition had stabilised and he gave his thesis.

Firstly, whatever was happening was not immediately life threatening (good to know).

Secondly, his belief that it was a panic attack and that the experimentation with my anti-depressants may have had something to do with it.

By now an ambulance had arrived, so to my family and a group of onlookers were gathered on either side of the road.

"So you're telling me, all of this, all these people, all these health professionals, all of this drama... for a panic attack?!"

I felt a lot of things at that moment... 'silly' comes to mind as one of those things.

Regardless of the 'non-life threatening' status, I felt what I felt.

I was so close to death that it felt real.

I saw it.

The certainty of the next life absorbed me in that moment.

It's now a week later and after having a variety of other tests done during the week, it is now clear that there is no other health concern beside the one brought forward by the misuse of my anti-depressant (mixed in with some over dependence on alcohol, some dehydration, sleep deprivation and possible vertigo).

What I also know is this... something changed in me, something raw and deep and unexplainable.

Even though I didn't die, a part of me did.

I looked into the face of infinity and I was terrified but quietly reassured that it came with a element of peace.

"It is what it is."

Or so they say...

I'm yet to fully understand this and of course you will all be kept in the loop, but my life really did change last Sunday.

I really am so fuckin happy to be here - nothing but gratitude.

Anyway gang, no more rambling from me.

With gratitude,

Sav 🙏