I went off my meds cold turkey.
It was fine at first (clearly), but by week four I felt like I had been hit by a truck.
I was disorientated and fairly numb and oblivious to the world around me, firmly believing that exercise was going to be enough to pull me through the darkness.
What started as a simple miscalculation, was coupled with some laziness to gradually decline into full blown mental absence.
You see my script ran out and rather than renew it, I thought to myself well Matt you're in a pretty good place after 2.5 years of taking the stuff, maybe you can just get on with it unaffected.
I was wrong.
As I said, the first couple of weeks were fine... then without warning my momentum and ability to operate effectively was almost ground to a halt.
The funny thing is that I knew this feeling. This was how I felt regularly throughout my 20's.
An inability to self-motivate, a lingering heaviness and a fluctuating sense of self belief and confidence.
Although recognisable, I hadn't felt like this in a really long time.
As a result I didn't know how to respond when it rolled around this time.
Through a combined attack of medication, therapy, hypnosis, physical exercise and a desire to add self-help tools (gratitude, stoicism) to my arsenal, I was largely free of this dreadful and all-consuming feeling.
But, it was back!
I sat in it for a week, not at all aware what was happening.
Then as the week came to a close and a few unusual behaviours and old coping mechanisms reared their ugly heads, I knew something was not right.
Some quick accounting of my situation pointed me firmly in the direction of the culprit.
A hard stop to my meds without an appropriate action plan was the clear cause, one that I needed to undo quickly.
The following Monday I consulted a GP, gathered my script and collected my meds. I began swallowing them once again and felt at ease knowing that the emptiness would soon be replaced with fullness and warmth.
Later that week a friend asked me about the situation.
It was my first time articulating it, so was nice to put words to some of this stuff.
I said something like this...
"For a big part of my life, my brain didn't work for me. I got in my own way and stopped myself from moving forward. With the help of medication I am able to work with and for myself, rather than against myself and that is a really really relieving feeling."
I don't know if I will be on anti-depressants forever, it was never part of my plan, but it seems to be helping for now.
All I know is this...
Being able to wake up and work in your own best interests and do things that are fulfilling and gratifying and to be constantly trying to bring joy to the world is a mindset and state of being that I would much rather enjoy than its alternative.
I will opt for that life by any means necessary.
If you enjoyed this short read and want to hear more about this journey and thought processes, you can check out the podcast I did recently below.
With gratitude,
SAV 🙏
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